Fine

Ok. Fine. I think I have failed to tell you that:
I am a mirror talker. Related, but not as simple as "talking to yourself," mirror talking involves serious lectures, cheering sessions and pep talks while looking yourself in the eyes.
I haven't done it much lately. It came to mind because in a recent reminiscence, I flashed back to the high school bathroom in which I steeled myself for face-to-face graciousness with the girlfriend of my huge crush.

That word- crush- is not adequate, or even accurate. Jealousy was at least half of the equation, but the rest of it doesn't have a name. I can't think of what to call the obsession. Certainly, he and I had a real and longstanding relationship. I felt she couldn't possibly understand him the way I did. The intervening years have shown that maybe knowing each other the way we did was WHY he had a relationship with someone else. No allure, no mystery, no quest. To be honest, I'm not sure romance was what I would have wanted anyway. I think I resented that the focus was taken away from me, I considered her an interloper, I felt maybe my own magnetism was weakened.

Anyway, the lecture/pep talk in the mirror worked. I'm not saying the heartache went away, and it's not like I was able to hypnotize myself into de-crushing. Or hypnotize HER into stepping aside. Or hypnotize HIM into finally seeing the light.

But I did convince myself to think about other things occasionally.