I can always tell when anxiety is trying to take me over. It starts in my stomach. I've spoken to others about this- a common image seems to be that of a monster or some kind of predator just beyond the fence, circling, circling.
I don't know how to explain this disorder to anyone who doesn't have it. It's not like there's anything to be particularly anxious ABOUT. So, there's no reasoning with a panic attack, or with the pit of my stomach.
Even as a child, there were mornings when, before I got up, I felt a heaviness of dread, a slight nausea. The only thing I knew to do was close my eyes again and think hard about whatever dream I had just departed. As an adult, I talk aloud to myself- "Stop it. STOP it." "Just calm down."
Breathing becomes labored. If I realize I'm gasping, that only compounds the problem, because then I concentrate on trying to fill my lungs, and begin to feel like I'm drowning. Heart palpitations, turns out, are not just the stuff of Victorian romance. And, they're not so much fluttering as arhythmic clunking. Not romantic, really.
Events: graduations, reunions, field day, parties... all become simply points in time to get beyond. To endure.
It's times like this when I rally round the cry, "Better living through chemistry!"
2 comments:
It's strange that I made my post and then read yours. I mentioned my anxiety issues. For me it starts just above the breasts - like a tightening in the bronchial tubes and it becomes difficult to breathe. No, not romantic at all.
I just love how you are honest about this stuff, makes me feel like I'm not so strange after all. I reckon a lot more people have stuff going on but don't admit it, and then look down on the people that do admit it. To me, talking about it takes a lot more courage than living in denial. Good for you, and thanks for making it more ok for the rest of us anxious, palpitating, people.
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